Launch Date - 26 November 2001
New online newspaper set to ridicule and lambaste lies, pomposity, disinformation, arrogance and pretentiousness wherever and whenever it occurs.
Rockall, a bleak rock situated somewhere off the coast of Scotland and best known to sailors and listeners of the 'Shipping News' on Radio 4, today announced plans to take its little known voice of Satire to the masses via a new weekly online publication; The Rockall Times.
The Rockall Times, like its namesake isle, stands poised to take the piss out of politicians, warlords and the world of celebrity alike. Like the many sailors that didn't notice until it was too late, The Rockall Times plans to burst through the hulls of bullshit and bring joy to the informed, intelligent, bored and cynical nation of Brits who have just about had enough.
The new online publication will have up to 10 sections covering World News, Politics, The Arts, Science, Sex, Sport, Society as well as Front Page news, regular features and anything that's simply funny. Initially planned to be a weekly publication, updated every Monday, The Rockall Times will also include the odd daily update depending on whether the editors feel like it.
The Rockall Times is proud to be British and promises to deliver the real truth behind the headlines and fill in the bits that everyone else leaves out. Whilst primarily aimed at a British audience, The Rockall Times is also targeting foreigners and Europeans* with a sense of humour, although it is estimated these will only form 0.5% of the total audience.
Powered by Yeast Logic, The Rockall Times is the brainchild of two young guns not yet known to the world of media celebrity, Lester Haines and Kieren McCarthy. Haines, one time editor of leading hobby and tool magazine, Professional Woodworking says: "The Rockall Times reflects the very best of what being British is all about. We want to take Rockall out of the shipping news and into the consciousness of the great unwashed British public. It's high time someone upped the stakes of satire, there is far too much bollocks being printed in the British press especially around the current War on Terror. Then we have the likes of our Liz Hurl-ey, up the duff and rejected by a rich American - we at the Rockall Times intend to make sure she gets some good press for a change. The Rockall Times takes no prisoners, well not yet anyway." As token Rockall dwellers we mean to stand shoulder to shoulder with the rest of the nation and unite in being really rather funny. Oh and we hope to be invited out to lunch more as well."
A key objective for The Rockall Times will be to expose to ridicule and lambastation all lies, pomposity, disinformation, arrogance and pretentiousness wherever and whenever they occur. In the launch issue, The Rockall Times reveals how it discovered the Taliban nuclear anthrax balloon threat, why a man with a faulty boiler failed to cared about the latest celebrity trauma and why Bruce Willis has pulled out of the remake of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. This rests on top of its hard-hitting investigation into the Propaganda Superbomb, and the fascinating world of celebrity pregnancy as revealed by The Rockall Times' expert gynaecologist.
In addition to giving a jaded online audience a bloody good laugh, The Rockall Times intends to mentor wanna-be satirists by inviting unpaid contributions. The Rockall Times Style Guide is available online for those willing to give it a go and will provide a very long list of what is funny and what is definitely not funny along with some tips and hints of how to string a sentence together.
Kieren McCarthy, fellow founder, reporter for IT news site The Register and textual analyst is confident: "We can't be the only people out there who can write funny. It's high time someone took the British sense of humour seriously, if only to prevent more American comedy series."
Private Eye editor, Ian Hislop declined to comment on the launch of The Rockall Times. However, when asked for a few words on the launch, our Phillipino cleaning lady had this to say; "British very good. They clean, kind and funny, not like Australians and Germans."
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*The Rockall Times will not be available to any users logging on from countries with .ie, .is or .nl. This is due to current ownership disputes with its home base Rockall. Any problems please email firstname.lastname@example.org .
The Rockall Times adhere to the UK's voluntary code of journalist practice regarding the privacy of individuals. This right to privacy does not extend to bent politicians, vacuous sports personalities, Architects of Evil (tm), educational sub-normal pop and other kinds of celebrities (except Liz Hurl-ey), self-important media commentators, sociopath dotcom yuppies and PR people and finally Feng Shui consultants or anyone involved in practising Yoga.
The Rockall Times will not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, creed, religious or political beliefs or sexual orientation. Our content may, nevertheless, occasionally or frequently reflect the editors' personal prejudice and bias.
Visuals available on request.
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Diane Davidson on 020 8255 2442 or email@example.com
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