REWRITING THE ROMANTIC SCRIPT: WHY WE’RE STILL ROMANTICISING ABUSE AND WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE DATING A ‘HEATHCLIFF’

As Wuthering Heights returns to cultural conversation, one relationship expert is challenging the romantic lens through which we still view obsessive, high-conflict relationships.

For nearly two centuries, we’ve been sold the same story: that obsessive, all-consuming love is the ultimate romantic ideal and Heathcliff has been framed as the ultimate tortured romantic hero: brooding, obsessive, unable to live without Catherine. Intense. All-consuming. Devoted beyond reason.

But strip away the windswept moors and gothic atmosphere, and what remains is something far less poetic: coercive control, emotional punishment, obsession, and revenge after rejection.

So why are we still calling it passion?

According to divorce coach and qualified solicitor Nawal Houghton, founder of www.yourdivorcecoach.org.uk what we’ve historically labelled “passion” mirrors the same behavioural patterns she sees in high-conflict relationships and coercive divorces today.

“Heathcliff isn’t romantic,” says Nawal. “He’s dysregulated, obsessive and punishing. And when women mistake intensity for intimacy, they normalise behaviours that later escalate into control.”

Drawing on her professional expertise and lived experience supporting clients through high-conflict separations, Houghton is calling for a cultural shift: stop romanticising emotional volatility and start recognising coercive control early.

Why We Confuse Chaos With Chemistry
Intense relationships can feel intoxicating. Dramatic arguments followed by euphoric reunions. Grand declarations. Emotional extremes.

“There’s a biochemical reason chaos feels exciting,” Nawal explains. “Conflict activates your stress response. When tension resolves, dopamine floods back in. That relief can feel like passion, but it’s actually stress followed by calm.”

Over time, that emotional rollercoaster can become addictive. “If peace feels boring,” she says, “it’s often because your nervous system has normalised unpredictability. Calm doesn’t feel familiar so it doesn’t feel like chemistry.”

This conditioning is one reason women may overlook early warning signs, particularly when popular culture has long glamorised possessive, jealous men as romantic heroes.

When Passion Becomes Control
The critical distinction, Houghton says, is how someone behaves when they feel rejected, criticised or out of control.

“In healthy relationships, disappointment doesn’t turn into retaliation,” she explains. “In coercive dynamics, rejection can trigger escalation.”

That escalation may look like:
• Extreme jealousy framed as devotion
• Attempts to isolate you from friends or family
• Monitoring your phone, messages or location
• Emotional withdrawal followed by rage
• Threats of self-harm if you leave
• Financial control or intimidation
• Smear campaigns after a breakup

“Brooding isn’t depth,” says Houghton. “And punishment isn’t proof of love.”

Many high-conflict divorces, she adds, begin with patterns that were minimised early on.

“Divorce doesn’t start in the courtroom. It starts when unhealthy behaviour is excused as passion.”

What To Do If You’re Dating a ‘Heathcliff’
For women who recognise these signs, Houghton advises a strategic and safety-first approach.

1. Slow The Pace
High-intensity relationships often move quickly. Create breathing space and observe patterns over time. Control thrives on speed and emotional overwhelm.

2. Strengthen Your Support Network
Isolation increases vulnerability. Reconnect with trusted friends and family, especially if your partner subtly discourages those relationships.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Then Watch The Response
Healthy partners may feel disappointed but will respect limits. Controlling partners escalate, guilt-trip or retaliate.

4. Avoid Threat-Based Ultimatums During Escalation
“If someone already struggles with emotional regulation and control, threatening to leave during a volatile moment can intensify behaviour,” Houghton explains. “Plan calmly and carefully.”

5. Document Concerning Behaviour
Keep records of threatening messages, financial manipulation or harassment. Documentation provides clarity and protection if escalation continues.

6. Seek Professional Advice Early
Whether through therapy, legal information or specialist divorce coaching, early guidance can help you assess risk and understand your options.

“Knowledge reduces fear,” says Houghton. “The earlier you identify patterns, the more agency you have.”

Rewriting The Romantic Script
For generations, women have been taught that if a man cannot live without you, it’s romantic. That jealousy equals devotion and suffering equals depth.

But Houghton believes this narrative is outdated and potentially dangerous. “If someone cannot tolerate losing you, that’s not passion it’s entitlement,” she says. “Real love doesn’t punish you for wanting peace.”

As conversations around coercive control and emotional regulation continue to grow, Houghton is urging women to reframe the question.

Not “Does he love me intensely?”

But: “Do I feel safe, respected and free?”

Because the most radical act in modern dating isn’t chasing fireworks. It’s choosing peace.

For more relationship advice visit www.yourdivorcecoach.org.uk

ENDS
For further Information or images, contact Delilah Pollard / Rose Olive
delilah@holywowpr.com / rose@holywowpr.com
 

Notes To Editors 

About Nawal Houghton

Nawal Houghton is a divorce coach, qualified solicitor and accredited mediator who specialises in supporting individuals navigating high-conflict separations, including relationships involving narcissistic or emotionally abusive partners. Combining nearly two decades of professional experience with lived insight, she helps clients manage difficult communication, protect their wellbeing and children, and move forward with clarity, confidence and control.